When churches say "no" to children in service

I'm just a traveler. I move every 3 months - in and out before you know it. But I always get excited about finding my new church family in every new location.

What's disappointing, though, is when I visit a church that forgets the whole family...the kind of church that's a one-time visit because I can't comfortably return there. I had one of those moments yesterday, just minutes after sitting in the pew, as the pastor stated, "No children under 10 should be in service." 

That's a pretty brief statement that many would dismiss, especially a single woman with no children who's simply passing through the area. But I could not easily let it go.

You see, 20 minutes after the pastor stated that children were not permitted in the sanctuary, this same pastor spoke of the importance of "worshiping communally as a church family." That's interesting...because the last time I checked, the church family is comprised of more than just people over 10 years old.

When churches say "no" to children staying in their services, here are 6 things they're really saying:

1. "Families shouldn't worship together."

Not all children are appropriate for sitting in "big church" with their parents every Sunday, but the value of that experience, when appropriate, is completely discredited when it's not encouraged and supported. When children aren't allowed in service, families aren't allowed to worship together. Children aren't afforded the opportunity to be challenged by wisdom from their pastor or ask their parents questions about the things they don't understand. They can't raise their hands or dance in between the pews during worship music - or witness change that occurs at the altar. Families miss a chance to by physically close to one another, sitting in the pews and sharing their Bibles. And children and parents alike are not taught the importance of a strong family dynamic because they're intentionally separated from each other every Sunday morning.

2. "You have to trust us."

That single mother coming from a background of abuse and neglect might not want to trust strangers in the nursery or children's department yet. That couple who just moved to the area might not be ready to leave their young ones in a class before they get to know the foundational truths of the church. That little one with severe separation anxiety might not be prepared for 2 hours away from mommy and daddy. Just because this is a church and it's most likely a "safe place" doesn't mean that every guest who walks through the doors will believe that right off the bat. Guests need to be given the opportunity to set their own boundaries and to trust at their own pace - and they need to be respected through that process.

3. "It's more important to be distraction-free."

I won't deny that kids are a little distracting (how many 4 year-olds do you know who can sit still for at least an hour?), but we have a choice in how we respond to that. Do we embrace it as positive energy that God gave them and let them be who they are - or do we teach them that there's only one acceptable way to worship? Do we shame parents who can't "control" their children - or do we encourage growth and wise teaching of discipline while also understanding that kids express themselves differently than we do (and that's okay)? Do we love Jesus' little children and show them that we are filled with joy by their presence in church - or do we give them glances and make it known that they aren't welcome in this part of the church? It's our choice to make.

4. "It's not your role to decide when your child is ready for this."

The local church body doesn't have the right to speak over the knowledge we have of our own children. We know our children well...better than they do. If I feel that my child is mature enough for participation in a church service, she needs to be encouraged in that. When she steps into the sanctuary, she doesn't need to hear "Let me walk you back to the children's department." No. She needs to hear, "Can I walk with you to the altar?" Teach her to take initiative in her faith. Teach her to be a follower of Christ and a leader for other kids. Teach her that she is precious in the sight of her Creator and she is always welcome at the foot of the cross.

5. "Young families aren't welcome here."

If a new mother brings her newborn baby to church on Sunday, she should not feel obligated to hand her baby to someone else - or burdened to leave the church altogether because she desires to continue bonding with her infant. Furthermore, let us not forget that a lot of new mothers are also millennials craving for an environment that loves and accepts them...we need to make it known that their presence, and the presence of their baby, is absolutely desired and smiled upon, never frowned upon.

6. "Christ's message to the children doesn't matter."

I know: that sounds a little harsh...but we can't deny it. In Matthew 19:14, "Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'" He didn't say, "Let the big kids come my way, but keep those little ones away." He didn't attach the phrase, "unless they're too distracting." Jesus didn't have limits or guidelines...no rules about how mature they had to be before sitting at His feet...no restrictions. He told His people to let the little children come...unhindered.

What's in a name?

Have you ever researched the meaning of your name?

When you dig into the Word, you find that names often had a purpose. Even in the Old Testament, names were given with reason. I mean, Jacob and Esau's names were based solely on how they presented at birth - "holder of the heel" and "hairy" respectively (Genesis 25:19-34).

(Can I just take a moment to thank my parents for not naming my twin sister and me based on how we looked at birth? I can't imagine what those names would be.)

But let's think about Jesus. Jesus was named for the will of God and ultimate purpose of His life: to save the world (Matthew 1:21).

Jesus fulfilled, and continues to fulfill, the purpose for which He was named. I want to do the same. I want to live by the definition of the word that was assigned to my life.

When I researched my name, I found that it could hold any of the following meanings: defender of mankind, joy, courage, full of risk, going on a voyage, or happy angel. I'd be pretty content with any of those life missions, really, but my favorite definition is this one: offering with both hands.

Offering with both hands...that hits me. What would my life look like if I lived it as a constant offering, giving of everything that I have? That's a challenge for me - a big one - but whoever said that our life purposes were supposed to be easy to fulfill? I think the best ones are the ones that capture our hearts but challenge us to do really hard things for the betterment of the Lord's kingdom.

So, what would it look like to live out my life purpose? It would look like two hands covered in the dirt of the ground and the dirt of messy lives. It would look like two hands strengthened by carrying the burdens of my brothers and sisters. It would look like two hands handing out love and grace like the free gifts that they are. And it would look like two hands reaching up to meet the hands of God in praise, awe, and surrender.

It would be a picture that could encapsulate every one of the remaining definitions my name might carry. It would be a picture of selflessness. Those hands would be taking the hands of others to lead them to Christ, embracing everyday people in a message of safety and warmth, and holding broken hearts while working diligently to patch up wounds. And there would be cuts and scrapes, resulting in lasting scars...each one labeling a valuable, life-shaping memory.

It would be hard.

But doesn't that sound like an offering worth making? Doesn't that sound like a life truly worth living? One that would be blessed by the Heavenly Father?

It's a challenge I'm willing to accept.

What about you?

Now, I get it. Not all names have deep, profound meanings that motivate you to change the world or change your life. And not all people have names that really coincide with who they were designed to be. However, I challenge you to reflect upon your own name and the meaning behind it. Is that meaning a real part of you? Might it help you define a purpose? And if it doesn't, then what name would? What word or phrase do you want to truly define your life? What words would you want people to read and think, "Yup, that's him" or "This is how she lived in a nutshell"? What message is God really placing on your heart in this time of your life on earth?

Find it. Define it. And pursue it...with everything God has given you.

Oh, these temptations!

I brought up temptation very briefly in a previous post and I thought it was time to touch bases with you on that a little bit more.

It is a common misconception that being tempted is, in and of itself, sinful. I disagree.
But I can understand why people come to this conclusion. They think that because that drug, lust, movie, or whatever even created that feeling for them--that temptation, that slight urge to do something about it--that they are filled with sin.

It cannot be denied that we are sinful, imperfect people with a tendency to lean toward bad decisions on occasion. But when we don't give in to tempting desires and sin, that can be a powerful thing.

Okay, so let's start with reasons we know temptation doesn't have to be sinful (on its own).

1. Simple logic problem:

Fact: Jesus was perfect and never sinned.
Fact: Jesus was tempted, just as humans are tempted.
Conclusion: If Jesus was tempted in the same way we are tempted, yet He still remained sinless and perfect, then temptation itself must not be the sin.

Matthew 4:1 - "Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil."

2. We know that we will be tempted.
It's as simple as that. We also know that temptation comes from the devil, not from God...and we are warned to be aware of the possibility of temptation coming our way because the devil is tricky and will take every chance to strike at our weakest moments.

1 Peter 5:8 - "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."

But why are we being warned about this? We are being warned because we have free will--the power to choose, for ourselves, whether or not we will give into those temptations and evil desires. Temptation, by itself, is beyond our control. We can't control what the devil is going to do and what he is going to try to send our way. Temptation is in his hands. However, we can control what we do with that temptation. How do we respond? Free will kicks in here...and that is also where sin takes a role. If we allow that temptation to have its way in our lives, then we sin. If we actively refuse it and avoid it, then we do not enter into sin. And, side note: we are strengthened by that.

James 1:13-15 - When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

Now...what do we do about this?

1. Simple: Just say "NO!"
Yeah, I know... that's the speech we all got in middle school when we had to sit through school assemblies and awkward classroom activities about saying "No" to drugs and to peer pressure. But let's be honest: there's some truth to all of that.

The less you do, the less you will be tempted by it later. And the more you say "No," the more comfortable you become with saying it. And the more you say it to the same people (if, unfortunately, you must do so), the more likely they are to stop asking you or trying to push into something you shouldn't be doing. Send the right message to the devil: BACK OFF! YOU CAN'T WIN ME!

2. Pray about it.
God wants us to rely on Him fully. He wants to be our first responder--the very first One to whom we turn we are in trouble. If you are struggling with a temptation in your life, something that continually haunts you and causes you to fall, don't be afraid to admit this to Him. He knows already anyway, but He wants you to be the one to tell Him about it. Allow Him to take the wheel for a while...because we all know it's hard to do this all on our own. Besides, Jesus experienced temptation on a first-hand basis. He knows what you are going through and how it can take its toll on you; and He wants to be involved in helping you through it.

Matthew 26:41 - "“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

Hebrews 2:18 - " Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."

And don't be afraid to talk to other people about it. Find someone you can trust. Get engaged in a small group or find an accountability partner. Strive to find at least one person to whom you can pour out your heart, open up the messiest pits of your soul, and really allow into your "buffer zone." Talk about your struggles and about the sins of your past. You may find this helps you reach deliverance. And an extra person or two on board provides for you an extra resource: someone to check in on you, keep you accountable, be faithful in prayer for you, and really help you through the trial.

Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10,12 - "Two are better than one...If either of them falls down, one can help the other up...though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

James 5:16 - "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

3. Remember there is always a way out.
You always have the option of doing the right thing. And the Lord will never allow the devil to tempt you more than you are able to handle. If God Himself knows that you are able to resist the temptation, make the right decision, and move forward...then shouldn't you have that kind of faith in yourself? GOD--your Creator and Father--knows you can handle this. That's a pretty big deal!

1 Corinthians 10:13 - "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

And don't think that just because you are able to handle the pressure, you have to do it all on your own. God is with you every step of the way. It's like that old poem, Footprints in the Sand, tells us: when we are weak and can't do something on our own, the Lord will not just walk beside us--He will pick us up and carry us.