When churches say "no" to children in service

I'm just a traveler. I move every 3 months - in and out before you know it. But I always get excited about finding my new church family in every new location.

What's disappointing, though, is when I visit a church that forgets the whole family...the kind of church that's a one-time visit because I can't comfortably return there. I had one of those moments yesterday, just minutes after sitting in the pew, as the pastor stated, "No children under 10 should be in service." 

That's a pretty brief statement that many would dismiss, especially a single woman with no children who's simply passing through the area. But I could not easily let it go.

You see, 20 minutes after the pastor stated that children were not permitted in the sanctuary, this same pastor spoke of the importance of "worshiping communally as a church family." That's interesting...because the last time I checked, the church family is comprised of more than just people over 10 years old.

When churches say "no" to children staying in their services, here are 6 things they're really saying:

1. "Families shouldn't worship together."

Not all children are appropriate for sitting in "big church" with their parents every Sunday, but the value of that experience, when appropriate, is completely discredited when it's not encouraged and supported. When children aren't allowed in service, families aren't allowed to worship together. Children aren't afforded the opportunity to be challenged by wisdom from their pastor or ask their parents questions about the things they don't understand. They can't raise their hands or dance in between the pews during worship music - or witness change that occurs at the altar. Families miss a chance to by physically close to one another, sitting in the pews and sharing their Bibles. And children and parents alike are not taught the importance of a strong family dynamic because they're intentionally separated from each other every Sunday morning.

2. "You have to trust us."

That single mother coming from a background of abuse and neglect might not want to trust strangers in the nursery or children's department yet. That couple who just moved to the area might not be ready to leave their young ones in a class before they get to know the foundational truths of the church. That little one with severe separation anxiety might not be prepared for 2 hours away from mommy and daddy. Just because this is a church and it's most likely a "safe place" doesn't mean that every guest who walks through the doors will believe that right off the bat. Guests need to be given the opportunity to set their own boundaries and to trust at their own pace - and they need to be respected through that process.

3. "It's more important to be distraction-free."

I won't deny that kids are a little distracting (how many 4 year-olds do you know who can sit still for at least an hour?), but we have a choice in how we respond to that. Do we embrace it as positive energy that God gave them and let them be who they are - or do we teach them that there's only one acceptable way to worship? Do we shame parents who can't "control" their children - or do we encourage growth and wise teaching of discipline while also understanding that kids express themselves differently than we do (and that's okay)? Do we love Jesus' little children and show them that we are filled with joy by their presence in church - or do we give them glances and make it known that they aren't welcome in this part of the church? It's our choice to make.

4. "It's not your role to decide when your child is ready for this."

The local church body doesn't have the right to speak over the knowledge we have of our own children. We know our children well...better than they do. If I feel that my child is mature enough for participation in a church service, she needs to be encouraged in that. When she steps into the sanctuary, she doesn't need to hear "Let me walk you back to the children's department." No. She needs to hear, "Can I walk with you to the altar?" Teach her to take initiative in her faith. Teach her to be a follower of Christ and a leader for other kids. Teach her that she is precious in the sight of her Creator and she is always welcome at the foot of the cross.

5. "Young families aren't welcome here."

If a new mother brings her newborn baby to church on Sunday, she should not feel obligated to hand her baby to someone else - or burdened to leave the church altogether because she desires to continue bonding with her infant. Furthermore, let us not forget that a lot of new mothers are also millennials craving for an environment that loves and accepts them...we need to make it known that their presence, and the presence of their baby, is absolutely desired and smiled upon, never frowned upon.

6. "Christ's message to the children doesn't matter."

I know: that sounds a little harsh...but we can't deny it. In Matthew 19:14, "Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'" He didn't say, "Let the big kids come my way, but keep those little ones away." He didn't attach the phrase, "unless they're too distracting." Jesus didn't have limits or guidelines...no rules about how mature they had to be before sitting at His feet...no restrictions. He told His people to let the little children come...unhindered.

Permission to be blunt?

[I definitely forgot to post my note from Facebook that inspired the name of my blog. So I'm posting it now...though most of you have already seen it. :) I guess it's more of a reminder to me why this is here. Ready for this? It's a long one!]

WARNING: If you have a problem with bluntness, you will hate me, so don't read this.

I have two subjects to address here.
1. Kids who think they are in relationships
2. Cooties; People who think it's cool to have premarital sex

ONE

First, what is up with all these, like, 12 year-olds having "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" and dropping "I love yous" like the words "it" and "the?" Seriously. Sorry to break it to you, pre-teens, but you are not in love; you do not know what love is; and you do not need to be talking to your friends about making out, "doing stuff" with boys, and sneaking out to go to parties on Friday nights. My, how things have changed. Little girls are now learning about sex from their friends in the bathrooms and halls of middle school. And little boys are falling under the stigma that "if you have sex, you are cool" before they even hit puberty.
When I was your age, Little Girl, boys still had cooties, sex did not exist, swearing (or "cussing") was heinous, and I wanted to be as far away from parties and smoking as possible. I didn't even want to watch a PG-13 movie until I was "legally" allowed to do so. As far as I'm concerned, every one of these things is still intact in my head. And I still live by these things. So, explain to me why you, child, are jealous of your 13 year-old friend who is having sex with her "boyfriend" who is lying to her and will just leave her in 2 weeks for the new girl in town who is "hotter" and "more fun" than her. Can you explain that? Hmmm...didn't think so.

Somewhat related, yet somewhat off the beaten path here: parents who encourage this behavior. Oh, yes, I brought it up. I had friends in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL who had parents encouraging them to have boyfriends, kiss their boyfriends, take their boyfriends everywhere with them, and so on and so forth. They were also wearing bikinis in elementary school and mini-skirts that weren't worth calling clothes because they covered nothing. Now, guess who ended up with the bad reputations in middle/high school and removal of bedroom doors at home? Not me. I personally found it intriguing, however, that their parents were the ones to remove their doors...considering it was their fault for raising their kids with that mindset from the beginning.

Conclusion:
Parents, be parents. If your kids are holding hands with other little kindergarteners or if they're going to their first co-gender party, that's cute and all...but when they get old enough to know what they are doing and they start doing inappropriate things that you are encouraging them to do, that's just stupid.
And kids, be kids. Remember cooties exist and don't bother getting in relationships now that won't last 'til tomorrow.

TWO

Now, can you explain to me why "sex is cool?" Not only do I still think guys have cooties, but do people realize how REAL cooties become by the time they reach puberty? Cooties transform from being "boy germs" and "girls germs" to being STDs and mononucleosis faster than they may think.

Ok, on that note...There is something else, aside from the whole "It's immoral, so why are you doing it?" thing, that really doesn't make sense about people thinking sex is cool. Males (and females), let me ask you this: What happens when she gets pregnant? Is it still cool? I don't think so!
You know as well as I do that there are girls getting pregnant younger and younger (there was a girl 9 months pregnant in my 7th grade class; don't try to argue with me). You also know that Washington County, MD has one of the highest unwed teen pregnancy rates in the state and, most likely, the country. So don't tell me it's not a problem. With that said, do you see the looks on people's faces when a pregnant teenager walks into the room? You probably give the look, too. But you shouldn't. Why? Well, aside from the fact that some of those girls were victims of incest and rape, you should also keep in mind that 90% of people have premarital sexual intercourse by the age of 22. And 900,000 teenagers get pregnant EACH YEAR...30,000 of those teens being UNDER the age of 15. This means that, of you 90% of teenagers having sex, 900,000 of you will end up pregnant next year. And you are still passing on those dirty looks to the ones getting pregnant even though you, yourself, are having sex, too...you just take a sigh of relief, in the midst of your guilt and regret, because you didn't end up like those 900,000 other girls.
Don't worry; chances are good that you will end up just like them.

(You might also be interested in knowing that 40% of those teenage pregnancies end with abortion. Alarming? Yes.)

But back to my beginning on this one:
You say you're cool if you have sex...but you're not cool if you get pregnant...so how come two people can go out and do the EXACT same thing (have sex) and one of them stays cool (because she didn't get pregnant) and the other ends up shunned from popularity and expelled from school (because she got pregnant)? It doesn't make sense if you ask me.


Conclusion: IT IS NOT COOL TO HAVE SEX. This is a misconception.
Stick that in your brain bucket, let it consume the edges of your brain bucket, and DON'T TRY TO REMOVE IT. Got it? Good. Now, pretend that if you have premarital sex, the cooties will come after you, eat you from the inside out, and life will no longer be pretty.

P.S. In case you didn't get this already, I recommend you wait until you're married to have sex. It's a good idea. I must say it is a nice feeling to not have that kind of regret like other girls...not to mention you and I get to be in that tiny 10% who don't have sex...and isn't it more exciting to be in the minority, the special little group who isn't like everyone else? Anti-conformity is fun, I promise.
Females, you may even want to join my Old Cat Lady Pact. Becoming an old cat lady would be much more fun than being a single mom working 3 jobs before the age of 20 and not getting to spend time with your kids; don't you agree?

ENDING

I love you.
Be happy.
Shine for the world.
Thank you. :)

What's beautiful

I've been thinking a lot lately about girls and their body image, self-esteem, self-worth, and so on and so forth. It breaks my heart to know that all these girls, at a younger and younger age as the years pass, feel like something is always wrong with the way they look; they believe they look "wrong" because they don't fit a mold.

So, I ask you this: What is beauty? Can it even be defined? It seems to all be in perception to me...maybe you disagree. If so, what is your definition of beauty?

And how do we get these definitions and perspectives anyway? They don't just pop up out of nowhere, do they? Of course not. There's this website called Six Billion Secrets where people (obviously) post secrets...and if you look under the "Self-Esteem" section, you will find that there are a lot of girls on there posting about their negative body image...and, to my disgust, a very large portion of them got that image of themselves from their parents. One girl said her family couldn't afford much food, so she started to not eat because she wanted her brother to have more food since he was younger...noble act, right? Well, imagine how you would feel if you were in her shoes when her mother agreed that she needed to do that because she was overweight anyway. And then the girl who has only had tea to drink for days because every time she tries to eat anything, her mother says she's had enough...since when is nothing enough?

I trust my parents and if they ever said those kinds of things to me (which they don't), I would take their words to heart, too. So I get it. But isn't that just heart-wrenching? These girls feel worthless, unloved, and lost because of the very people who are supposed to show them the most unconditional love and support. That's just wrong.

But elsewhere on this site, there are the girls who say they woke up this morning and realized they loved themselves, flaws and all, and could be strong and beautiful in their own skin. Some people aren't that happy and content with themselves, but I wish they were. I've never met a girl who wasn't stunningly radiant and beautiful. Nope, not once. But not all of those girls know that they are just as gorgeous as the other girls they see every day...they need to be reminded.

And they aren't reminded by looking in the mirror. There are a lot of girls who fear the mirror; they literally don't want to face themselves and know what's on the outside they can't see of themselves. They don't want to know that they are different...but isn't being different more fun? Being unique is much more exciting than being the cookie-cutter Barbie doll we see day-in and day-out. And who really wants to be plastic anyway? Girls, go look in the mirror and smile because YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.