Is that not one of the most annoying things a person can tell you? It honestly does not matter what is going on in your life or how bad you are feeling in that moment, someone will always "know how you feel." But, in reality, those people NEVER know how you feel.
And you just want to grab some duct tape, close their mouths, and tie them to chairs to make them shut up.
Sound familiar?
It doesn't make much sense. You could have just been diagnosed with cancer, lost your home, dealt with a sick parent, and found out your job was in jeopardy. But do these people really care? Nope! There will always be someone there who will decide to compare his own life with yours and decide his is worse and, thus, just HAVE to share it with you. "Oh, yeah. I know how you feel! I lost my puppy last year...it was just like this." I mean, do people seriously think before they talk?
And why in the world do people want to compete with you for position of "worst life" or "worst experience?" You would think it would be more fun to know you haven't experienced that and have been blessed with a wonderful life. You'd think people would enjoy looking at the positive elements of their lives more. Wouldn't you think that?!
No? Alright. Maybe it's just me.
AND, rewinding a little bit here: Even if this other person's house was bombed and then his dog and 16 children were eaten by a sea monster, is it really going to make you feel better at that moment? No...but it might make you feel worse (yay)! And, STILL, does that person really know how you feel? No. Of course not.
No one will ever know how you feel. Ever. Because everyone has different experiences. And even if two people have the exact same experience, they will always interpret that experience in two different ways...perhaps similarly, perhaps not.
So.
You don't want to hear other people's long, drawn-out stories of their own personal misery?
You don't want people to tell you they "know how you feel" when they obviously don't know?
You don't want any of this? At all? Are you sure? Really?
Too bad...'cause you'll get it anyway.
I wish more people would understand the concept of listening. Sometimes people do not want to hear your irrelevant stories that have nothing to do with their lives that are crashing and burning as they wince in pain. Sometimes people just need someone who will listen to them and love on them and show them that they have people surrounding them who love them, care for them, and will be there through those difficult times...even though they DON'T understand.
Sometimes admitting you don't understand the person's situation but loving them anyway, simply knowing you have felt hurt or scared or distressed in some form or fashion in the past...and knowing you needed the same things...is a better option.
Disclaimer: This is not to discredit the beauty of support groups and things of that nature. Totally different thing. I know those are actually quite helpful for people. But even then, people all come with different backgrounds and stories and experiences.
It is, of course, nice to know that we are not alone. It is nice to know there are others out there who have been where we have been and can get us through the same way they got through...but there is a line. A line between helping and boasting. A line between appropriate timing and just not thinking before speaking. A very definitive line sometimes that people just choose to ignore.
I agree Dr. Anjoli :) I am all the time giving people "permission" to say, "I have no idea what you are feeling, and I do not understand at all. I wish I did, but I don't." Usually the best thing to do is to just give a hug and then simply say, "But I am HERE!" Saying anything more causes more harm than good most of the time (and I have that from some very reliable sources!).
ReplyDeleteI disagree, do people care? Yes and some alot. Do i know how you feel no, but have people gone through pain and understand what you are going through yes. Everything you said above is true without one piece and that is God, but with him no they care, they love and they understand
ReplyDeleteI agree totally, Anjoli! Good post!
ReplyDeleteDr. Kim, thank you; I am glad that a true psychologist agrees with this perspective and even uses it in her own practice.
ReplyDeleteCanaan, thank you. I appreciate your feedback and agreement.
Ben, perhaps you are aware of Evan's message he sent me on Facebook? I am now going to post my reply to him in case you are seeking some of the same answers he was.
"I am sure you know I did not mean to sound as intensely discouraging as it appears that I did to you. I am sorry if this actually came off to be offensive because this post was not meant to insult anyone who tries to be empathetic or even sympathetic. Empathy is a beautiful thing. You will notice that, in my post, I used the word "sometimes" a lot...because sometimes it is appropriate to tell people you understand their situation or something of that nature. But that does not mean you know how they feel. You may have even noticed that my mother, a licensed psychologist with a doctoral degree in this stuff, agreed that we can't always know how people are feeling and, thus, just need to show them we are there and we care for them despite that. There is no possible way for us to truly know how someone is feeling--even if they explain to us how they feel. Yeah, we may experience similar feelings or we may have been in similar situations ourselves that would cause similar reactions, but we will never know exactly how someone feels. It just isn't possible. Being empathetic and feeling for a person is different. I think it's great that you take the time to understand where your friends are and then translating that into the beauty of what is music--and I have no doubt that they appreciate that and use that as a tool to feel better. But that is a lot different from what I was portraying here when people try to offer their own past misery as a form of making someone feel better--or by telling someone they KNOW how you are feeling when, really, they only THINK they know. I also didn't say that ALL people sit there and try to compete ALL the time...that's not realistic. But it does happen frequently and I am sure you have noticed that. If you haven't, then that is great!
I will also mention that this blog post was not about what I was feeling at that particular moment. This isn't a situation I recently faced; I am not in some difficult time that would lend to that kind of "I know how you feel situation," but it is something that I have thought about for a long time and that I have also discussed with several other people--including a very dear friend of mine who is tired of hearing that phrase from people when she is in the midst of waiting to hear if her tumor is benign or cancerous. If you want the specifics of her story, she's got someone trying to compare a hurt toe to her situation and it makes her feel horrible...it doesn't make her feel better. With that being said, there are people who are in agreement here that this "I know how you feel" statement is not something that is all too comforting. Perhaps I was not clear in expressing my thoughts on this subject, but I don't think it was completely interpreted correctly from your point of view...and, again, that brings about the point of interpretation. We all interpret things differently; just as I interpreted what I was writing in one way, you interpreted it in another way and, perhaps, took it as an offensive post when that is not what I intended. And I do apologize if it was taken offensively because I want you to know that was not my intention."
Happy Birthday love!!!!! :) :D YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!
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